Oh! I finally get it!

Have you ever been in a situation where some other person has really done you wrong? And people in your life who love you and are listening to you process it all out loud nod their heads in understanding and then say, “Yeah, but they were only doing the best that they could.” And you’re a bit flabbergasted, because you’re still hurt by it all, regardless?

I have.

You know what I’m talking about. Maybe it’s your gaslighting spouse. Your friend who used your confidence against you. Your parent that still won’t talk with you about the unexpected results of your ancestry DNA at-home test. The. Person. Who. Lied.

Yep. It’s real. And I don’t know about you, but sometimes (okay, often) my flash response to “they are doing the best that they can” is indignation. Because honestly, it’s not good enough.

I know about forgiveness. Don’t get me started — because in these situations I am so far away from forgiveness in this point that I can’t even start to wrap my head around that idea. Maybe I am doing the best that I can at this time within THIS… How do YOU like it?!?

Here’s what my whole-body process look like during it, maybe you can relate:

  1. Receiving end of an atrocious act.
  2. “They are doing the best they can, with what they have.”
  3. Well, their best f*cking sucks.
  4. (Be righteously upset and angry. Hold on to this.)

For all the support I have read about forgiveness in these situations, I finally encoutered validation for first feeling the way I do:

They give you what they have to give, but sometimes what they have to offer SUCKS.

Tara Schuster, Buy Yourself the F*cking Lilies

The interesting thing is, with validation comes the ability for me to then turn myself forward. All I needed was to be seen. With that, and also some time (not gonna lie, it’s not instant), I can then begin to turn away from the situation/person and toward my own healthy self. I don’t have to plug in to the crap, anymore.

It becomes a full-body process of this, instead:

  1. Receiving end of an atrocious act.
  2. “They are doing the best they can, with what they have.”
  3. (Be upset. Feel that. Own it. Then, move through it to #4.)
  4. And that’s a bummer.

Can you feel the difference between “Well, their best f*cking sucks” and “And that’s a bummer”? With the second one, I have released myself.


Because forgiveness isn’t about telling myself what they did is okay. Forgiveness is about telling myself that I can be done looking at and carrying this upset. I’m no longer plugged in to it.

It’s not about releasing the other. It’s about releasing myself. And that feels great. Way richer personal power.

What or who in your life is causing you pain with their truly sucky, not-good-enough “best?”

I see you.

Release yourself, and claim your own power.

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