Your Experience Is Your Own. The Other Person Has Their Own, Too. Here’s How Both Thrive:
I will not attempt to control another’s experience.
I got to live this the other day, and I tell you, I am having a completely different and much more elevated experience of relationship. If you have ever questioned your long-term compatibility with your spouse, a friend, or even your children, then read on.
As you may have read in last week’s post about a carbon-monoxide tester and a light-bulb, I had two flashes of insight about deep relationship:
My first Aha was that it is okay that two people so close to each other can have profoundly different interpretations of the same events. Or chapters in life. (In other words, do not be afraid of unexpected dissimilarities.)
My second Aha was that I actually have no business taking part in affecting their perception. (I do not need to accidentally attempt to control another’s experience.)
This brought to light for me a generic question of if two people can really be together, or is the relationship just surface mechanics? Can two people have a deep, spiritual connection with each other, while at the same time having sometimes very different Earthly navigation approaches?
My third Aha is Yes. A solid, constant, resounding, spiritual Yes.
The secret is in untangling yourself while being entangled.
And it all comes back to letting go of concerning yourself with how the other person is experiencing your shared moment.
When you stop trying to control another’s experience, you each can hold “opposing” perceptions on situations and yet successfully, happily be together. When you stop trying to control another’s experience, you are connected in a way that is not at either one’s expense. When you stop trying to control another’s experience, you are able to lovingly disengage yet remain even more fully present. Connection, compatibility, and contentment — not compromise at a cost.
It really is that simple. Begin with this: look the person in the eye, send a beam of love from your heart to theirs, and smile as you bask in your own good-feeling of this moment. Let everything else go. How are they feeling about this? That’s none of your business.
Where today can you practice this?
My brother and I on my first day of Kindergarten, and on my high school graduation day.
I’ve always had a hard time with AA’s “loving detachment” and this helps to elucidate for me. I’m also re-reading material on OBE (out of body experiences) and see “connections” all over the place. Quantum theory explodes my brain, but I find it fascinating. I just wish I had more capacity to understand it all. This would make an awesome topic for discussion with a few gathered friends!
Karin, the connections you are making are SUPER interesting to me. And your nod to the concept of a discussion gathering makes me bounce in my chair with excitement. I’ll bring the wine! 😉