My surrender journey

My natural state of being is in my head. I think, a lot. Even when I don’t mean to.

I’m not proud of this. In fact, it’s something I constantly try to overcome.

There I go thinking again.

I realized some time ago that I don’t always feel good about being so mental. It was about the time I learned that although it’s a superpower at times to be a good thinker, this talent does not actually resolve everything for me. Being a solid thinker does indeed get me very far, and I am grateful. But then, I hit a wall in discovering that logic, thinking, ideas, and acting on these could not actually take me where I wanted to now be. Which is a fuller version of my Self.

Let me ask you, have you ever been in a discussion with someone when you thought it was a discovery conversation and they believed it was an argument? Or you thought you wanted the lunch special that you ordered but when eating it you were disappointed in your nourishment? Maybe you bought the thing that made the most sense but you never seem to actually use it?

Not everything that looks great on paper brings the desired outcome. Even some good ideas, even when successfully put into action, still don’t produce our desired results. I thought I should have the lunch special; it’s on sale, it sounds pretty good, it makes sense. So why am I left unsatisfied as I eat it?

Maybe I was overthinking all of this.

And so began my journey of surrender.

“Aha!” I thought. “I need to surrender.” And honestly, that idea gave me peace. So I began to explore surrendering. I read spiritual books about it. I enjoyed oracle cards devoted to supporting it. I journaled about it. I thought about what I could do to include greater surrender in my life. And I put these thoughts, ideas, support, and encouragement into acton. For quite a long time. Yes, this includes praying about and for surrender.

And again, that indeed got me very far in my spiritual journey, and I am grateful.

But now, apparently it’s time for the next layer because, well, Life is happening. And I think I forgot my lessons on surrender, because here I am thinking that although I had thought that I had been doing so, I am not at peace.

Maybe I am overthinking all of this. (Ya think!?)

And then, I heard a voice. (Quite literally, I was listening to a podcast.) And a quiet little message blew my brain open wide.

Surrender is a feeling.

I have been trying to think my way to surrender. When I think I’ve failed, I think I have to do something to adjust in order to get to surrender.

I’m definitely overthinking it.

Because here’s the thing:

I can’t think myself into surrender.

Our desired outcome is actually a feeling. It’s not the lunch item, it’s the sense of nourishment. It’s not the project itself, it’s the why behind it. It’s not the conversation alone, it’s the connection with each other.

Surrender is a feeling.

I completely embrace this thought.

I surrender to this peace.

And just like that, I am peace.

How about you? Have you, like me, been successfully able to think your way through for some time? Let’s not abandon our gifts of thinking. Let’s just value equally our gifts of feeling, concurrently.

Me, instead of thinking about what to have for lunch, I am going to feel into what will nourish me right now.