Note to Self: inner peace

I’ve really been fine, lately. But it’s the type of fine that is subconsciously used as a hope and a wish, rather than an actual reflection of how I’m really feeling.

Can you relate?

I discover this, as things just keep falling apart around me. It seems I continue to screw up, even though I am fully attending to the person, the situation, the task. This seems to keep happening in all areas of my life. I’m even dreaming about accidentally letting people down, making things difficult, doing things wrong — just by breathing.

I don’t feel like I’m pushing, striving, forcing. I actually feel calm, and receptive. And yet, the falling-apart is happening like when I am trying too hard. And I’m getting worn down, this is going on for a while now.

Oh. And now I’m trying too hard to figure out why this is happening. (Ouch for awareness…)

Here is a short mediation that I found on Insight Timer, that is really resonating and helpful right now. So please take a deep breath in with me, gently let it out, and let’s melt into these words:

Dear Self

you are so much more than your pain

I know it may feel hard to heal from the things

that have broken you down

or threatened your joy


I hope you trust yourself enough

to piece yourself back together

when you’re ready

you are whole

even when you feel like your peace is missing

my prayer is that your heart

becomes full again

and that you forgive yourself

for whatever you did

or didn’t do

for whatever you knew

or didn’t know

may you make yourself a home of sacred belonging

you are a force

you have walked through many storms

you’ve been knocked down countless times


you’re still here

growing through it

give yourself permission to rest and wilt

you will bloom again

I love you

Alex Elle, Insight Timer (listen here)

And I Know that I am okay, within the not-fine. I will bloom again. But right now, I need to lay down my mental swords. I am supposed to surrender.

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